So I have this house guest that insists on dropping in unannounced, uninvited and at irregular times. Actually calling him a guest is being far to kind. He is intensely unwelcome and much more than just a ‘regular’ pain in the gluteus maximus. Not at all the kind you are pleased to see when opening the front door, standing there with ratty suitcase full, guilty tricks in hand, and with the full expectation of taking up residence for an undisclosed period of time. Experience tells me he’ll stay anywhere from 24 hours to a week, or sometimes, sadly, longer. Once his foot is in the door, before I’ve had time to slam it shut, he’s pushed his way in and there’s not a lot I can do to dissuade him from staying. Believe me I’ve tried. I’ve tried ignoring him, yelling at him, being accommodating to him, I’ve asked others to talk to him and persuade him to be on his way, and yes I’ve tried to pray him away. But no, when he comes he intends to stay. He is really a rather rude and formidable bully. He is as immoveable and offensive as the smell left on a shoe smeared with dog poo. Eventually it will go but until then… don’t sniff too deep. Quite frankly no matter how many times I tell him “Now is not the best time”, “I’m too busy” or simply is “You’re not welcome”, he sneers his dirty vindictive smile at me, snubs his nose and gives me a look that that says “Tough #**t”. So rude!
I’m learning to read the weather signs. I can get a
foreboding sense, a ‘doom receptor’ if you like, that he might be on his way.
My sixth sense kicks in and I know that he is likely to be just over the
horizon, or closer, just around the corner and heading my way. An irregular heartbeat escapes my chest just
before it sinks into my stomach. Crap. Damn. Is he on his way? So I’ll try to batten down the hatches, I’ll
try to hide out of sight behind the couch, or under the bed covers wishing him
to bypass me and simply move on the next sucker in his little black address
book. I’ll try to remember to lock the front door but he usually catches me out
and at times even manages to sneak in the back door while all my attention is
focused on heading him off at the front door. Hate it when that happens… idiot!
Me, not him.
Out of necessity I’ve given him a pet name, all be it rather
a dramatic one… The Dark Cloud. Yeah I know, sounds like a character from
Pokémon or Dragon Ball Z or worse, My Little Pony. But it’s the name that fits,
and it’s stuck.
His time here drags like a stopped clock and I often can’t
stop myself from falling into my default mode. Self-protection and
preservation. I withdraw. Everything inside me reacts and my walls go up. Not
surprising I guess, but also not ideal. I’ve learnt to keep my mouth shut when
he’s around. He’s such an antagonist that everything inside me wants to spurt
out negativity, accusations and bitching, not at my over stayer, though fully
deserved, but at anyone else I come in contact with or to be brutally honest,
those who love me best. It’s not their fault I didn’t manage to head him off at
the pass but well really he doesn’t care if I verbalise my frustration at him,
he’s not moving on till he moves on.
Should he decide it’s one of his longer stays, I’m a mess.
My resolve is worn down. My energy drained. My skin grey. I feel like that
unsuspecting water in the glass the teacher uses in sex ed. to show just how
much a tampon can hold… sucked in and sucked dry. Oh God help me, not again.
Nothing gets done, not the basics and especially not the
things I like to do and numbness invades the areas that would otherwise
energise me. If the sun didn’t come up tomorrow, well, who cares? He’s such a
kill joy. He’s such a leach. He’s such a #@%*. He whispers in my ear at the most inopportune
times … “Who do you think you are? You know you’re useless; you’re ineffective,
irrelevant and just plain ugly all round”. And he’s so good at the whispers
game, knows just how to throw me off balance, blindside me and knock my legs
from under me and stupid me, I’m taken by surprise every time. He brings me to
tears and offers no comfort or apology. There’s been times when he’s stayed so
long and his words have cut me so deep that when I close my eyes I’m in a pit,
a deep pit with oil up the sides and every time I try to climb out, to get a
foot hold, I slide back down to the bottom. And he sniggers. Sigh. Heavy sigh.
You’ll be pleased to hear I’m getting better now at making
his stays shorter when he comes. And lately he doesn’t come quite so often. I’m learning. I can’t stop him from coming altogether
but I’ve learnt that when he does show up I can make him feel uncomfortable
enough to the point where he ‘wants’ to leave, all by himself. How? I make sure
I rest, I be a little kinder to me, I allow myself to be quiet but not withdrawn,
I take time to get outside and breathe deeply and soak in some Vit D, I take
longer showers, I eat chocolate and liquorice accompanied by a good dark
tipple, I drink less coffee(well not really), I’ll watch something that will
make me laugh out loud like ‘Wipe Out’ or ‘Miranda’, I’ll talk (cry sometimes) to God about how I’m
feeling and how I hate this intruder in my home and that he makes me mad now
rather than just sad. And God says “That’s good, I don’t like when he visits
you either, let’s make him uncomfortable together.” I give those I love most
the heads up that he’s coming (or arrived) so they too can make him
uncomfortable. I know he will leave. I know how I react affects his resolve.
My aim is to make him think twice about knocking on my door
at all. I don’t actually think that’s remotely possible but hey, it’s ok. Life
without challenge would just be another shade of grey… predictable, without
substance and lacking commitment.
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