coming out about doubt

Well, I sure wasn't ready for that.

Last Monday I decided to write a post trying to put words to how I felt about some of my experiences with church. I really went for it. I think it's fair to say that I was a bit angry about the way I felt managed, kept in line and essentially controlled in the past. I felt like the church at times had been my thought police who had stepped in when I failed their orthodoxy test. I guess what I was trying to get across was that I feel there are more important things to church life then holding up values or doctrines. Not that they're not important.

But what a reaction! In 24 hours the post had been read 400 times, had been shared all over New Zealand, Australia and the UK and had been met with quite a reaction. Many people felt understood by the fact I was acknowledging these struggles, and many seemed to feel exactly what I did. People actually thanked me for writing it. Personally, it felt like a huge relief to know there were so many others who understood. Sometimes it feels like I'm a bit of a lone wolf. Anyone else relate?

Others got on the defensive and completely disagreed. Some felt I was undermining the Bible and the teaching of Jesus and promoting something contrary to scripture. Some felt I was promoting an empty ecclesiology, nothing more than an intellectual focus group while I was neglecting other important jobs of what the church should be doing, like walking in the Spirit, evangelism and caring for communities.

Whether you agree with the post or not, it seems that it hit a nerve. Whether you agree with it or not, the fact that there are so many people who feel like that means that you cannot just dismiss this way of thinking, you have to engage with it. And it isn't just me and my friends. The studies are saying that these tensions are causing young adults to walk away from church in huge numbers.

A few notes on what I wrote. It was not a treatise on ecclesiology. It was an expression of frustration in ecclesiology not implictly making room for these concerns. Sure, not everyone cares about the way the biblical canon was decided, not everyone cares about the complexities of interpretation and not everyone cares about what we mean when we use certain words. So of course the blog post didn't resonate with everyone. And that's great for them, because churches tend to give them exactly what they want in Sunday teaching, in small group discussions and doctrine: neatly packaged faith statements and application points. We all know people who just like to be told what to believe about something, and that really is fine. The point is, if we run church like this all the time, we are implicitly saying to those who do think about this stuff that their concerns don't matter as much. We confine it to one-on-one conversations with people who quite often haven't thought about it to the same extent and usually don't know how deep the rabbit hole goes with some stuff, causing even more frustration.

Similarly, there are some that go to church primarily to experience God, maybe in a worship time, to hear from Him and feel His presence, and so these issues are maybe side issues for them. But what about those who don't engage with God like this? What if someone is struggling with questions of spiritual experience, hype, musical emotional manipulation and criteria that we use to deem whether or not the Spirit is present? We implicitly tell them that the show must go on. How can we make room for this important stuff?

The other thing to bear in mind, is that this is just a blog. A conversation starter. And I'm learning lots about how things can be interpreted once they're in a public forum. Try and hear the spirit of what I'm saying if you can!

Many messages are picked up in the way we do church, the fact that we use stages, the way we structure our services, the amount of time allocated to different activities, and the conversations we allow to take part on a Sunday. All these things say something about what we really believe.

But what do I think? Well the things is, I don't really know yet! But I'm excited to be part of a community that is open to trying new things, to rethinking preaching, worship, belonging and doing community together. To be flexible and not too prescriptive with Sunday church. Essentially, I'm thinking along the lines of listening to the concerns of the people you have first, before storming ahead with a vision statement. Turning up in a new community with a framework already worked out could be pretty silly. However, I will think about this over the next little while and try to flesh out my thoughts, and we will also be running a discussion night next month on some new ideas, so stay tuned for that.

New thinking around preaching and worship can be difficult when there is a strong theology around apostleship, the word of God and anointing of the people of God. This is particularly where theology becomes significant for church life.

Other questions were raised about my use of scripture, what does the bible say about doubt? Does Jesus endorse it like I seem to? He doesn't seem to discourage it, and doubt certainly isn't the antithesis to faith - maybe certainty is. But that's another huge discussion.

In closing, I'm beginning to see my role a bit more clearly. I'm in a unique position - I am a young adult in New Zealand who feels what many of my peers feel about the church that cause them to walk away from it. Yet I work for a church, in young adults ministry. A church that I love and believe in and feel trusted by. So maybe a big part of my job is to give air time to these concerns, to make them heard, to try and make people sit up and listen to them. To show that the church cares about this stuff and is working hard to address it in all areas of church life. Part of this will be having people tell their stories on this blog. If this sounds like something you would like to do, you can email me.

Change might hurt a bit, but I'm hopeful. Let's keep the conversation alive!