Casey's Awkward Confessions: #1

It’s come to my attention that I’m a bit of a weirdo. My colleague calls me ‘an education.’ I think what he really means is ‘get away from me crazy lady.’ I have feelings I’m not supposed to have, I have doubts I’m not supposed to have, I have questions I’m not supposed to have. I also have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one. So, in an attempt to sort through the chocolate-induced madness that is Casey Murray’s brain, I have decided to record my thoughts. I realise this is a dangerous endeavour, but let’s be honest, you are the one that’s silly enough to actually be reading this right now. If you know me, you know what you’re getting yourself into. If not, I promise I am actually semi-sane in real life.

I’m 23 and I’m having a mid-life crisis. I just got home from a 21st where I was talking to a 21 year-old about how when he thinks about his future he always thought that by 23 he’d have it sorted – got the job, got the girl, got it together (then awkwardly admitted that he’s not looking good on any of those…) I turned 23 yesterday, I’m very single, I don’t like my job and I still don’t really understand how to actually live.

When I was younger, people in their 20s seemed so old and mature and responsible. It came as a shock to realise it’s all a bit of a sham and despite my best efforts I’m still just a bit lost. The more I learn, the more I realise I don’t know a thing. Where I thought I’d find answers, I’ve just found more questions. I’ve experienced more – more success, more fun, more failure, hurt and brokenness. But somehow I still just don’t get it.

Awkward confession #1 : I have no idea what it means to ‘give your life to Jesus.’ I feel like I’ve heard this phrase a million times but I don’t understand what it looks like in my real life. My life isn’t something I can pick up and hand over to God, it isn’t something I can actually see or touch. It isn’t a feeling like love, that I can demonstrate by showing affection. My ‘life’ is an abstract concept where I stumble around in the world, trying to do the right thing, pay the bills, go to church, be nice to people, then time passes, I go to bed, get up the next morning and do it all again. How exactly do I give that to someone?

I get the concept, making a commitment to follow Christ etc etc. But this morning I got up late (again) and went to work late (again). I sat around looking at how messy my desk is, wondering how a girly girl like me ended up in a job where I have a box of nails and a palm nailer sitting on my desk. I replied to some emails, then had a 1 hour phone conversation with my boss in which he successfully managed to increase my to-do list by a full page. He then called me back just so I could listen to a birthday card which, when opened, played a South Park character yelling obscenities. I ate half a box of roses chocolates, went out to buy lunch, complained about how hot the air con was (first world problems!), re-wrote my to-do list, sent a couple of emails, then went home to get ready for the 21st at which I had the conversation that sparked this little rant (aren’t you glad?). What about that shows I’ve “given my life to Jesus.” Not exactly the inspired life of a super-Christian. Oh wait, when I was driving home I was thinking about a friend who is in hospital and thought I should pray for him. It went along the lines of ‘God, I don’t even know what to say. This sucks. Please fix it.” Super spiritual right there.

I think we forget that life can be just so ordinary. As a church we thrive on inspirational stories of passion and miracles, rather than the nitty-gritty, practical reality of doing Christianity in our every-day lives. Not the ‘and then the pain in my hand went away’ or the ‘after I prayed for her she gave her life to Christ’ or even the ‘I felt God say to me…..’ The boring stuff. The days you don’t have an amazing spiritual experience. The days you don’t open your bible. The days you barely think about God at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good inspirational story. I’m not denying that amazing spiritual experiences do happen. I just think that when we only hear stories of great triumph and uber-spirituality we get scared that because we don’t feel like that all the time we aren’t doing it right. It builds an unrealistic expectation of what the every day life of a Christian is. For years I was let down by my own unrealistic expectations. I would go to church and watch as people got up and shared testimonies of the amazing things God was doing in their lives. I would go home and cry and beg for something, anything to make me feel what everyone else seemed to be feeling. To be a part of the adventure everyone seemed to be on. I had this idea that Christianity was like a game with different levels – “congratulations, you have earned 10 God points. Collect one spiritual gift and move on to level 3. Choose wisely, level 3 may contain a SPIRITUAL ATTACK!!!” All I wanted to do was to get to the level where I felt like I could be satisfied that I was a ‘good’ Christian with a ‘strong’ faith and a ‘close’ relationship with God. I felt like everyone was in on the secret, except me. I thought it was my fault. Clearly I wasn’t worthy. Clearly I wasn’t loved.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there isn’t actually anything wrong with me (OK, that was a big call. There are definitely more than a few things wrong with me… But that’s for another day). I have had to learn that I’m still a Christian even when I’m not feeling ‘in-tune’ with the spirit. I’ve had to learn that sometimes we go through quiet times. I’ve had to learn that everyone’s different and that maybe I wasn’t created to have incredible visions and life-changing prophesies. I’ve had to learn to find God in the small things. More importantly, I’ve had to learn to find God in the hard times as well as the victories. I’ve had to learn that God works in ways I cannot begin to comprehend. I’ve had to learn that I can’t always be in control.

So I continue to stumble around doing this thing called life. I still have my freak-outs. I still have lessons that I need to learn and re-learn. I still have 66 million questions and not nearly as many answers. But I will keep looking for them. I will keep searching for God among the mess because at the end of the day, even if I’m a bit confused about the journey I know I’m working towards something great.

I am very much a work in progress. But that’s OK, it just means God hasn’t finished with me yet.