Casey's Awkward Confessions: #3

Once upon a time, a very long time ago I was making out with my high school boyfriend* in a totally above-board, PG rated kind of way. No wayward hands, no Christian grind. Totally innocent. Suddenly he stopped, looked away from me and wouldn’t tell what was wrong. One minute he was all ‘yes please’ the next minute suddenly it was ‘I’m sorry, do I know you?’ The following day I asked him about it and his reply was “Oh, I could have kept making out for a lot longer.” Slightly perplexed, I then asked him why he had stopped. His reply was:

“Because I was worried you were going to have an orgasm.”

I remember thinking ‘crikey, buddy. You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that.’

Awkward Confession #3 : When I get married, I fully intend to have sex in every room of the house. A lot. I know, how dare I say that. I am unmarried, I should be pretending sex doesn’t exist. Don’t even think about finding someone sexy. That’s disgusting. I’ll be praying for you.

I have been assured that guys will quite happily talk about sex until the cows come home, but for girls I often find that sex drive fits into the same category as periods, flatulence and under-arm hair – it’s better for everyone if we just pretend it doesn’t exist. We might talk about it with a select few behind closed doors, but on the whole we don’t really like to admit that we want to have sex just as much as anyone.

All my life I just assumed I wouldn’t have sex until I was married. I never really thought about why, I just knew that’s what I wanted. When I was young it was easy, because the thought of actually having sex made me want to throw up a little. Boys weren’t exactly on the top of my to-do list. At some unknown point during my teens this all got turned on its head and my body was suddenly all-systems-go. Not exactly helpful for my ‘no sex before marriage’ plan. However, despite more than a few glitches along the way, my virginity has somehow remained intact.

Choosing to save yourself for marriage isn’t the easy option. It’s a constant challenge. Everything and everyone tells us we should be having sex. I never get asked ‘why’ I’m not having sex, I get asked ‘HOW?!?!’ at shocked, high-pitched decibels that can only be heard by dogs. It seems so unimaginable that a young adult, in the ‘prime of life’ could be able to restrain herself. I have non-Christian friends who pretty much thought bases 1, 2 and 3 were invented for Christians so that they’d have something to do before marriage. And rather than listening to why I choose to live this way, I tend to get a reputation as a judgemental prude who is clearly asexual and has never had a sexual urge in her life. They couldn’t be more wrong.

We always talk about ‘temptation’ as if it’s someone kind of magical, uncontrollable force. Like it’s a trap that we accidentally stroll into when we’re looking the other way but by then it’s too late. We blame temptation for leading us astray, but the truth is much more sinister.

The real reason it’s difficult is because you want to have sex. And that hottie that doesn’t put up a fight when you try to cop a feel isn’t the problem – he/she is an opportunity. The desire was already there under the surface, trading secrets with your hormones, dancing through your veins and throwing parties in all the local hotspots. The desire is with us all the time – the media, the shirtless guys at the beach, the girls in the barely-there shorts, the r-rated books and movies, the boy/girl flirting with you are all just outlets. The real reason it’s hard isn’t some external force compelling you to do naughty naughty things. The real reason is you.

It all starts to get messy when we actually find ourselves in a relationship. Suddenly its not just you anymore. You’re with someone you want to have sex with, and for reasons unknown they want to have sex with you too. And then your non-Christian friends ask ‘so where in the bible does it say not to have sex anyway?’ And you open up your bible but the only verses you can find talk about ‘sexual immorality’ and ‘adultery’, but don’t specifically say to keep it in your pants until you’ve put a ring on it. And then you start to question why you can’t just have sex. I mean, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re planning on being with him/her for the rest of your life. Is it so bad to express your love in a physical way? And don’t forget the good old safety net of doesn’t Jesus forgive our sins anyway?

This gets complicated even further by the fact that we are built to respond. Having someone think you’re sexy is empowering. Having the power to turn someone on is, in itself, a turn-on. It just adds fuel to the hot and sweaty fire.

We end up in a strange internal conflict, where every shred of our being wants to have sex but at the same time we really don’t want to have sex. In the heat of the moment the brain sends out frantic signals to the rest of the body saying ‘stop it! This is wrong!’ But our crotch somehow manages to crack the password, override the system and change the orders to ‘full steam ahead.’ At that point our brain has to admit that it’s actually having a bit of fun and decides it’s easier to just roll with it.

I think sexual intimacy is incredibly powerful. I think it ties people to one another. It connects us in a way we can’t really understand until it’s happened. In the end, that’s what stops me. It’s not because the ‘rule book’ (A.K.A the Bible) tells me not to. It’s because I think sex was designed to be enjoyed in marriage. It’s because I believe that if sex is ‘so good I should be having it now’, it will be worth the wait. It’s because I believe sex is glue, and I only want to be stuck to one person. Sex is something I want to share with my husband alone.

I’m not perfect. I’ve gone further than I wanted to. I’ve crossed boundaries I swore I would never cross. I’ve given away pieces of me that don’t even belong to me, they were supposed to belong to my future husband (poor sucker). I have regrets. But I’m lucky enough to believe in a Lord who is full of grace. And I have great hope that one day I will fall in love with one of His followers who will mirror that grace. I have experienced so much grace already.

Next time I will try to do things differently. I will try to protect myself more. We all have a limit, a particular point where there’s no going back. The point at which all we can think about is satisfying the physical craving within. That moment where the desire wins and our boundaries don’t seem as important as how good it feels. I am going to do my best to stay back from that point, but I can tell you now I will probably still make mistakes.

I’m not going to stop wanting to have sex. I can avoid the ‘opportunities’, but I’m not going to completely shut down the desire, or pretend it doesn’t exist. At the end of the day, if I don’t want to jump my husband’s bones our wedding night is going to be a bit of an anti-climax.

And you better believe my wedding night is going to be EPIC.

Actually, it’s probably going to be awkward and painful and I’ll probably chicken out, eat lots of chocolate then go to bed early and lie awake panicking. But at some point, sex is going to be EPIC. And damn straight I’m looking forward to it.

 

 

 

*Disclaimer: No current members of Windsor Park Baptist Church were referred to in the making of this blog.